Job wise I was between two options, I had signed up to join the Parachute Regiment & I had also applied for a shipping contract to Asia. The first one to come through was the one that I was going to do. Oh, but after seeing The Lord Jesus, after realising that I was not and never was my own, it was an immediate decision to give Him back the life I owe. If I could not live entirely for Him then I felt that I didn’t want to live anymore on earth at all. I wanted to be where Christ was. Now was the time to begin to fulfil my promise to Him that day on the pitching ship “If you get me out of this, I will serve you”. Apart from a day or two here and there I never returned to mothers’ home again apart from visits. It’s as if this precious group of young radicals for Jesus adopted me into their wee community and so began the most amazing journey with Christ.
 |
| My wife Jo & I (err several years ago) |
I'm writing this shameful/glorious period of my life for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I have felt led to for a long time but I’ve procrastinated for because, well I don’t know how to tell it other than the way it really was raw, graphic, awful & shameful, and because I don’t see to many Christian books available in that kind of format I wasn’t to encouraged to add mine to the list. It’s a chapter I have been trying to get over for almost a quarter of a century and was happy for it to settle into the sediment of obscurity.
Secondly, I am deeply saddened to read far too of often young pastors committing suicide following the exposure of their infidelity. It is indeed a lonely deep and dark valley, and unfortunately for the many who fall into it broken, battered, and bruised, it seems that few walk out it and recover to an even better place in their walk with God.
The isolation, accusation, condemnation by others and your own self is a depression almost too much to bear. Suicide seems like a viable anesthetic to a deep pain that little else can relieve. Of course we all know in the calm of bright day that suicide is a terminal and damnable option that no believer should consider … ever. But the demons that first tempted you, then entrapped you gather close around your every moment to oppress you into believing that taking your own life is the right and proper thing to do, considering all the people who you have betrayed and let down…
Lastly, I write this for those who may think that they have blown it and are down and out and no more chances left. You believe that you have gone too far and perhaps feel that both God & man, friend & family even the pet dog have abandoned you and left you strung out to dry & die. Well, I’ve been there, like many before me and done that. So, for sake of encouragement, here's a glimpse into my Dark Night of the Soul. What happened, why it happened, how it happened … then what happened next so that from then till now, I love Jesus and my Heavenly Father more than I ever did before!
Daily praise & thanksgiving is not a sacrifice it’s spontaneous. I could never fully express my gratitude for Jesus reaching into life’s slimy grime a second time, yes, a second time and lifting this lost soul back up again. Going down was way easier than getting back up and without His help, His grace, mercy and constant encouragement, I never, ever, would have made it. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
A DAMASCUS ROAD TIDAL WAVE
In my earlier writing “Explosive on Impact” I wrote of my “God Encounter” beginnings and the dramatic moment when as a young merchant seaman in the midst of a mid Atlantic Hurricane, a tidal wave hit our ship and although the ship survived the immense wall of water, it had severed the lashings and scattered the dangerous deck cargo of chemical bombs that we were carrying to New Zealand. It was a double irony in that we were already just surviving it seemed, the mountainous seas of the storm, then just survived the massive tidal wave that tore and twisted metal as if it were paper. But then instead of rejoicing that these episodes were past, instead the 64-man crew had to face yet again further potential demise.
The 20 or so highly explosive 45-gallon barrels that we were told must not walk near, work near, nor work above under any circumstances were rolling & smashing around the deck. We had been cautioned at all costs do not let anything touch them ever and the reason why was clear to see in bold red stencil atop of each bright yellow & red drum lid, clearly stating DO NOT BUMP OR SKID - EXPLOSIVE ON IMPACT”. It was written for all to clearly see.
I Prayed a Prayer
It truly seemed that all hope was lost and that this was indeed a futile task. I couldn’t lift one of these barrels to the vertical position on a flat deck in dock far less here as they were surging about all over the place. We all stood frozen to spot watching this spectacle. No one wanted to move, a couple of the older men began crying. I guess that it may be a little how First World War troops felt going over the top in the face of certain doom.
I stepped back a pace from the thin line of us that was gathered under the overhang above us. Not that it afforded any protection, it just seemed a better place for us all to stand.
Within my heart was the biggest battle. It was now or never that I make my peace with the God I'd boldly declared I did not believe in. The God I blasphemed probably on an hourly basis. It felt like I had no option but to talk with Him since I was most probably going to meet with Him. There wasn’t time for a big flowery prayer and besides I didn’t know one. From my heart I simply said “If you will get me out of this I will serve you”.
I remember thinking that “I will serve you” was a bit excessive? I didn’t even know where a sentence like that came from, I don’t think I had ever heard of such a dedication prayer from anyone ever in my life. However, it seemed my "prayer deal" had been heard;
This is now several decades later and I still cannot take in how quickly and miraculously the answer from heaven came as God replied to my cry.
This poor man cried and the Lord heard him and
delivered him from all of his fears - Psalm 34v6
Immediately as I prayed those words it was as if I lost mental consciousness, I estimate that it was around one minute later before my mind become conscious again and I’m standing holding a chemical barrel that I have obviously just lifted. And I see before me three other erect barrels and realise that since the crew are still standing under the deck shelter that I must have lifted those also? As I look across at the men staring at me their eyes are wide their jaws are agape. I can see that they are shocked by my actions. I’m shocked too. I was confused as to “how I got from where they are to where I am and how did those barrels get lifted?
Then, as I'm reasoning that I can’t lift this barrel that’s in my hands, its too heavy, a powerful voice boomed out of my chest and called the men to action “Come on men, we can do this” I roared above the wind and the waves. As one man they sprang forward into action and in two’s began lifting drums till all were vertical and we could secure them. I continued to catch them in mid roll and flip them myself as if they were paper weights. Much later I read the story of Samson’s great strength and wondered if something like that happened to me that day?
The Sea Calmed
As we finished and wire cable tied the drums in place, the wind had dropped to virtually nothing? Weird as storms don’t blow out suddenly to nothing that way they usually taper off, especially a storm that had raised a huge tidal wave as recently as twenty odd minutes ago. The once mountainous waves were now little more than a meter high, which is quite a normal sea really, but within the hour that same sea continued to loose all violence and motion and had become as flat as a mirror, without a ripple? Storms don’t work that way either as once the wind has passed it can take a couple of days for the swell of the sea to calm down. One hour was unheard of.
The captain came down from the bridge, clearly perplexed. He investigated the starboard side damage and said several times, its all quite extraordinary you know, never seen a storm just disappear before? One of the crew spoke up and said, “It’s the eye of the storm sir, always quiet in the eye of the storm”. The captain swiftly replied “It most certainly isn’t the eye of the storm, the sea still rages in the eye though the wind has dropped, and the eye is only for around one hour before it all begins again”. He told us to look around and said, “Look this storm has just disappeared, something of a miracle really”. Hmm! That was not the words that I wanted to hear.
One of the guys wanted his photo taken with me. In the picture which I still have today he is smiling, all jolly, death has passed him by, for today at least. Alternatively, in the photo I’m looking highly depressed as I cant get the words out of my mind “I will serve you”. I was convinced without a doubt that something miraculous had surely happened.
The men said afterwards “George that was amazing, we were all wondering what to do, the situation seemed hopeless then all of a sudden you sprang out on to the deck and in record time you flipped three barrels already. We couldn’t believe our eyes”.
Yes, I knew indeed that something quite extraordinary had occurred. I said nothing to no one of my prayer. A long time later I read of how Christ had rebuked the storm and told the sea to be still and it was. There were 63 witnesses on that ship that can testify to the extra ordinary events that took place regarding the tidal wave & storm evaporating and six eyewitnesses of the barrel flipping. That kind of miracle is difficult to dismiss.
NOT JESUS CHRIST
I stood alone on the deck; the rest of the crew gathered in small groups engaged in excited chatter about what had just happened. I spoke to God again, ” Ok God, so you are real after all, and you did hear me! Please be Buddha, or Allah but please don't be anything to do with that f*****g Jesus Christ. WI tremble at the memory of my sin & marvel at the mercy of God.
A few days later we sailed onto Panama then onto New Zealand. My sins reached unprecedented levels of debauchery. I was not changed, did not know how to change.
Ah, but kind God, in His rich grace was not finished with me. Long story short, six months later I am back in my hometown and I’m in a large room with ten Christians. An outreach team that I had encountered several times on the streets and I delighted to challenge their belief in Christ. Well, they challenged me to come to an all-night prayer meeting on my behalf so that like them I too could come to believe that Christ was indeed Gods Son.
So here we are on a Thursday night, they are all kneeling and praying that I would believe in Jesus as Gods Son, which I’d refused to do, choosing instead to mock Him and them for believing in Him. For sure I now confessed to believing I God, how could I not? But Jesus ... My puffed-up ego would not extend to that. However, they were all convinced God was after me to become a Christian so they held this all-night prayer meeting and insisted that I be there while they prayed for me. I can't tell you how excruciating that idea was to me.
THE ARROGANCE OF THE IDIOT
So, I'm sat there on the couch, arms folded, legs stretched out, feet crossed and I’m watching them all and thinking this is insane, they are all mad ... Then, a voice clearly said INSIDE my head BOW DOWN! Well, regardless of the fact that I was very anti-authority, full of pride and despised being told what to do. But the command that I heard was neither optional or one to be ambivalent about. It was a command that I heard not an option. Without delay, I scrambled to my knees in fear of the voice.
Just as soon as I did so, even with eyes tight shut, I saw Jesus Christ appear right before me. I knew exactly who He was, His appearance was stunning! His face shone brightly like the sun, His robe glistened and glowed. He was surrounded beyond the glow by a beautiful blue. It was as if I was in another place. A huge open place.
You may think "how exciting”. I can assure you it was quite horrifying and terrifying and was about to get worse.
He spread His hands from in front of Him out to the sides and said with gentle voice "George, all this sin since I saved you ... and yet I love you and I have called you to do a work that only you can do". As He said that this black pit opened below His feet and it was packed with slithering serpents & snakes. I was appalled at the difference between this beautiful being, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen or even could imagine. He radiated grace compared to my filth, hatred, pride and sins. Somehow it occurred to me in the midst of all this that the strange wailing I heard in the background was in fact my own uncontrollable howling.
I saw all my sins from the time I’d asked Him to save me in the hurricane right up to the present moment. Every sin was visible and represented by the worms that my sins had attracted! Small sins, big sins, secret sins. However, one sin was worse than them all, and if it was possible to be astonished more than I already was seeing this HUGE sin deepened my anguish because even more ... Why? Because I was absolutely full of this particular sin. I didn’t even know until that point that it was a sin. It was the sin of SELF WILL... I thought it was right to stand up for myself, to be resistant, defiant, rebellious even.
He continued gently speaking, causing me to understand many things that I had previously denied. He revealed to me about creation and that, I never made me, neither had my mother, she simply carried me for Him. And that mother’s do not create their children they carry them whilst He forms them within their womb. Only He has the power and intent to do that, and that He had formed me for Him not for my own life and purposes and that my body belonged to Him, it had never belonged to me. He showed me that He had created me as He had all others for His own purposes and His glory and that the only thing that was mine was my will and my choice, and I had used it for hate not love, for evil not good, but that He was willing to forgive me. Oh, I so wanted that forgiveness! Then He spoke and said that I would go through some very tough times. He quoted Isaiah 43v1,2 to me, which I did not know was in the bible until six months later when I came across it. He told me not to fear because He would always be with me and would not forsake me.
Then He faded and was gone. In a way I was relieved, as the entire experience was more than overwhelming! I lay there on the floor, shattered to the core, sobbing, mister big mouth, bighead, big shot drug dealer became a weeping wreck on the floor, and I couldn't care less about that. I was stunned, appalled, excited and in love with Jesus Gods Son.
Eventually I got up on my knees to see the ten others circled around me. Staring at me in quite obvious alarm and disbelief. I managed to croak out a sobbed "Did you see Him"? No one answered they just stared. "Did you hear Him"? More staring, maybe one or two slowly shook their heads. Not one of these Christians had ever seen or even heard of this before except in bible stories. I didn’t know it then but I had been born again. Hallelujah! I felt clean like a washing machine!! Quite amazing really that they were all praying that I would have a real experience with Jesus Christ as I didn’t believe He even existed, then in moments I had a profound introduction to Him that there had never had?!!?
TO WHOM MUCH IS GIVEN
Decades later, years in the ministry and all over the world, I tremble to realise that I have had the honour to meet multiple thousands of precious believers and yet I have only met 1 or 2 that has ever had a similar encounter with Christ as I did that day ... Does that puff me up, quite contrary, it both humbles me and fills me with the fear of God ... Why me?
Nevertheless, the multitudes that I have met who have met Christ, and with far less drama are nevertheless wonderfully, totally & sincerely saved. My experience was necessary for me, it’s not a mandate for salvation.
Christ alone is who can save us, not church, not religion, but the one who made you for Himself. He will readily and joyfully enter your heart & life if you will only
THOSE THAT STAND BEWARE LEST THEY FALL
After such an amazing Damascus Road conversion, you'd would think that would be enough to keep anyone on the straight and narrow forever, right?
Sadly, being Adam wasn’t enough to keep him in the Garden, nor being Samson was enough to keep him from falling to the Philistines. Then we have King Solomon … Who ever would have thought he would fall the way that he did.
Then there’s George, I could ever imagine that I would ever be tempted enough to fall into serious sin. And that, der reader is the beginning of deception.
In my case, after years of church planting, fruitful ministry and successful business, it was the early 90's and I was a young pastor of a fast-growing church with several church plants. Our home improvement business was prosperous of which I was the managing director, and was a great vehicle for outreach. We had numerous mission outreaches that required almost monthly overseas travel. On top of that somewhat demanding schedule I decided to self build a large home in sprawling grounds out in the country side – If you have discernment you can read this as pride & burnout waiting to happen. It was inevitable, because unacknowledged and uncrucified insecurity, PRIDE slowly but surely stripped me of normality in almost every sense and level of my life. The family life suffered, my devotional life suffered and as far the kingdom & business I had essentially became a robot, perhaps puppet would be a more apt description.
For around two years I averaged just three hours fitful, cold sweating sleep a night. Usually on Thursday’s nights I'd try not to sleep at all just work right through till morning to try and catch up.
Soon I had betrayed the key principle that had birthed all this "so called success" when I failed to love Jesus first and wait patiently for His direction in my life. This mistake was obviously not missed by our enemy of our soul "The Roaring Lion", perhaps the scene was even set up by him?
Anyways, I was easy prey and I failed morally and terribly. The thing that surprised me was that I hadn't failed long before I did. The shame, the emotional exhaustion, the fear of rejection all paralysed me from confessing my sin. So, as you can probably guess, a culture of repeat and serial sin followed for the next two years. Unconfessed sin leads to continual sin.
Amazingly, the Lord still saved souls through our ministry, sent miracles and en-powered us to pull down some major strongholds in our nation, and though I prayed daily for exposure I still lived in fear of the day it would happen, which it surely did Oct 26th 1995. Quite simply one of the worst days of my entire life.
Within twenty-four hours the phones in our home that once rang off the hook were now silent, as was the bell of our usually very busy front door.
Our home, previously a hive of Christian community activity was now deserted. My ministry gone, my dreams shattered, but most awfully was the devastation this exposure brought upon my wife and two young children. I had this small thread of hope that kept me from a suicide … which was, at that point in time and for almost two years before it, I was actually walking with the Lord without sin or compromise. But what a hollow victory that was knowing that I had unconfessed infidelity in my life and my soul found no peace.
Nevertheless, what was exposed, although not new to God, who I believe had forgiven me, was certainly new to everyone else and their reaction was totally, painfully understandable.
Some dark days followed, it was as if a troop of demons surrounded my head day & night, listing all my failures over and over again and again without respite. I didn’t have the energy anymore to try and change the narrative, it was like a radio playing on a station that you despised but couldn’t switch it off. On & on it played “you’re a failure, you’re a loser, look at all the people you have hurt, you have really messed up this time, no turning back now eh! You’ll live with this for the rest of your life, you’ve ruined any chance you had, they hate you, even God hates you, you’ve gone to far, you’ll never be forgiven”. It was mental torture that squeezed the life & fight out of me.
A tipping point came New Year night (I think) 1996, I was convinced that ending myself was perfectly right thing to do. It seemed like I was going to hell anyway, so at least I’d be ending torment & shame here. In reflection, buckled reasoning. I had two shotguns so I knew that I could end it all within seconds ... or so I thought.
The demons assigned to destroy me must have been rejoicing and full of glee. As I took the gun out of its case and loaded it and sat at the end of the bed, it almost appeared as if mission accomplished for them.
At the back of my mind I kind of knew I was being demonically driven, but it seemed that they held so much evidence against me, which evidence I had provided, it was check mate, game over, I couldn’t blame them as I knew better.
Bear this in mind if you know a believer that has failed big time, understand that hell will congregate around their head, tormenting them to self destruct. Pray for that person, to find grace & forgiveness. Because in the midst of the mental madness it becomes nigh impossible to think straight. The voices do not stop. Those that would have visited me were discouraged from doing so by those who believe I should have been publicly stoned.
If the Spirit leads you to pray for such a person, be obedient to that. It is not Fathers will or way for any to self destruct. Father looks at the heart and in my heart of hearts I sincerely wanted to walk with Father & please Him. The issue was that like many church leaders still today, that although I knew of and benefited from the crucified life, I had a limited understanding of the fullness of the power of a crucified life. I cannot blame shift or deny but I was not healed in my soul from childhood trauma and shame. Humiliation & poverty remained imbedded in my soul even though my lifestyle & circumstance was very different. Regardless, Satan knew that I still filtered my social acceptance and standing through the eyes of a rejected alcoholics son. I couldn’t see it but most everything I did was in one way or another a effort stating, “I’m not really the poor kid of a quarter a century ago with the weird clothes and family down the road.
Christianity & Shotguns
in many ways I often thank the Lord for using you that New Years night, 1996 when I sat on the end of the bed loaded shotgun in mouth and my thumb on the trigger. It was as if I couldn’t stop myself, I’d let down everyone I knew & loved and the total abandonment from 99% of most everyone I knew, pretty well confirmed I’d made some huge and irreconcilable mistakes. I’d believed satans whispers that even God would no longer forgive me & accept me and the terror of waiting to die & go to hell was unbearable. So, I tragically accepted the reasoning of devils that ending my life before another year began was the smartest thing to do!! The insanity of no longer listening to God is … well, just plain insane.
I was oblivious to what my own dear family would think, I just wanted the intense and abiding pain of my failure to end, in this life at least. So, I’m just getting ready to pull when I became aware of my young teenage son and young daughter directly outside the bedroom door. My daughter said to my son “Where’s dad”? I heard that and with a burst of revelation I suddenly realised the selfishness and awfulness of what I was about to do. That at the sound of gunshot, my kids would probably burst through that door and see there dads head half gone & spread all over the wall & ceiling … and for the rest of their life devils would torment them with “Where’s dad”? Was he in heaven? Was he in hell? In shock and surprise, I quickly jumped up and hid the still loaded gun under the bed. What an awful time. Although I was thankful for the reality check, the dark cloud around my head would not lift and I wasn’t sure that I would find myself back in the same position an hour or so later..
I went through to say hi to the kids, in my heart I was crying out to God to please, please help me. Then miraculously, a brother, some sixty miles away called about a security alarm that was going off in the town and would not stop. It had been reported and as the alarm company owner it fell to him to fix it. As it was New Year, he couldn’t get anyone else to hold the ladder for him in the high winds so would I help him! An hour later, I’m holding a ladder in driving rain and freezing winds & thanking the Lord because the darkness over my soul had abated … for a season at least.
It was only last week that I told my daughter for the first time, twenty-four years after the fact that God in heaven used her voice that night to bring me back from the brink of a dark abyss. Its my prayer that Father will use my written voice now to help some readers of this story to hold your trust in God and step back from the darkness that may be surrounding you at this time.
The Shadows Deepen..
I'd like to say that as a family we all moved forward slowly in humble restoration. Sadly, that wasn’t so, although by much acting on my wife & my part it probably outwardly appeared that way. But my past indiscretions had set rot in motion and so an already struggling relationship drip by drip dissipated a little more as the months and years crawled by.
The Front Page
A young man that I had warned our elders should never be in our fellowship, as tragic but true he radiated the spirit of a pedophile. The elders all suggested that we should have grace and patience and see if he would come right. I told them that he wouldn’t but I’d agree with their council and let him stay on the condition that he was not permitted to be involved with the young people in any capacity until we witnessed the hoped-for change.
The second week that he attended I noticed him before the meeting but then didn’t see him again during the meeting. I guessed he’d simply left? But then one of the Sunday school workers told me that they had a marvelous new volunteer helping them that morning? I learnt that this young man had commissioned himself to assist with the children’s work and Sunday school classes on going. My thought was to go with the discernment that I had of him and sending him packing. He seemed aware that I knew who and what he was and his reaction to my reaction was to constantly try to ingratiate himself to me. One of his ways of doing this was to present me one day with a large thick folder and numerous files filled with newspaper clippings. He wanted me to look through his years of article and letter writing to the various papers and all the articles that were written around information and stories that he had provide the papers. The contents were tragic, negative, & damnable complaints, reports, & unproven defamations of people that he had smeared through the papers, based on his own interpretation of events and evil surmising’s. On another occasion he called and said turn the local radio station on now, I’ve dedicated a song to you? I warned the elders again, you want to be very careful as to who has sent this man to this fellowship, he understands the power of public media more than almost anyone I had every met. If saved & sanctified he would have made a marvelous media manager.
Well, guess who called up the press about the mess I had caused? It was early February; I had been out of the fellowship just over three months. Well compliments of this young man, one cold morning journalists and photographers gathered and parked outside the drive to our home for days at a time. I was raw, devastated, in deep shame and pain and not a safe person to offend. My world had totally collapsed and suppression of the anxiety, failure and years of suppressing guilt had begun to kindle a burning frustration, a deep burning fury at my own irreversible foolishness. That if released would not be easily quenched. I lived off nerve’s day in day out, losing weight and decorum I felt like I was in free fall without a parachute. I cannot describe the anguish of soul, as I could muster no resistance to the constant still swarming accusing & condemning demons that surrounded my head & home.
Then, the press, perhaps because they never saw me, must have become bored and went elsewhere to hound someone else? However, one day in their absence I allowed myself the luxury to work outside in our grounds. I was hammering in fence posts to divide our ground for selling, when my young son came over and said "dad that man is taking pictures of you". I looked up and 50 meters away a man sat in a car with a big lens camera pointed straight at me. It was a tipping point, something inside me seemed to snap. In blinding rage, I ran for him, sledge hammer in hand. The Lord only knew what would happen if I caught him because this latest invasion into my pain erupted like a fountain at the site of him and the thought as to what he wanted those pictures for…
Then throwing his camera on to the passenger seat he roared off down our narrow country lane. The dam of my rage had burst and was far from quenched by his mere leaving our grounds. I jumped in to our car and took the short cut to the main road. I caught up with him and followed him nose to tail both of us at break neck speed for miles & miles, until eventually, brokenness, conviction and blinded by tears I slowed to a crawl and let him accelerate away. I pulled over and wept my heart out … again.
Next day I'm on the front page of the papers. The combat jacket, black commando hat and sledge hammer in hand with a face of grim wrath didn't paint the picture of a man dressed for the cold trying to erect a fence. It all looked much more sinister than that and hardly, the image any community shepherd would be proud of.
Two days later, another journalist and photographer knocked on my door. Obviously wanting to see if there was a follow up story to their competitor papers previous reporting, after all it seemed like a good story. But just as the journalist introduced himself as being from a main line national paper, the photographer from just a few feet from me and without asking, shoved the camera right up in my face. Well, unfortunately for him he did that to the wrong man on the wrong day. I leapt at him from the door smashing both photographer and camera to the ground and then give him a serious roll about in the mud for good measure. Both of them fled to their car and screeched up our drive and away. I guess they didn't want to risk me running to get my hammer. I lived this verse below…
Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me;
thou hast made me an abomination unto them: I am shut up,
and I cannot come forth. Psalm 88:8
And so, began in earnest my personal Narnia, I’d entered another world of ostracisation and exclusion. The most awful seven-year wilderness of rejection and isolation by "Christianity" that I could ever imagine. As the Psalmist also wrote "Lover and friend hast thou put far from me".
For the first year or so I went into shock, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't take a call or make a call, couldn't even think about getting a job and Lord knows we really needed the money. The mortgage continued as usual as did the utility bills along with the simple cost of living. It wasn't long before we were way over our heads in bank loans and credit card debt. I knew that I had to get a job but it was taking every ounce of my will just to get out of bed in the morning and try to be some sort of example of strength to my family.
Something was wrong inside of me and I couldn’t seem to fix it or even be bothered fixing it. I began to care less and less about everything. I later learned that I was actually displaying classic symptoms of burnout which manifest as physical & nervous breakdown Sitting, staring, saying nothing for hours, weeping, sobbing never seemed far away. What a dark and descending pit of self-pity, depression & demonic oppression. A dark night of the soul indeed.
I was crying out to God from my heart like never before. Taking long late walks down completely dark country roads brought a small degree of comfort by the anonymity that the isolation and darkness afforded. During my night time ambles there would be surprise moments when I knew that I knew the presence of God would seem to come alongside me and quieten the anguish in my soul. This would surprise me because with the help of ceaseless demonic influence I had convinced myself that I was obviously beyond redemption. So, the joy and surprise to sense Fathers closeness was a lifeline of hope in my despair. When it all became too much it was as if He gave me a dose of the medicine of his presence and that would prevent me from contemplating ending it all again. I had at least elevated from an obvious suicide to one that would at least look like an accident.
Sometimes, the Holy Spirit would seem to illuminate a verse as I read the bible, like He would in the earlier days of my salvation. This would comfort my soul with the thought that maybe, just maybe there was still hope for me, and that maybe He was still with me? These thoughts seemed too good to be true. If ever I had learnt to appreciate my salvation and the grace and presence of God it was during these dark days. Jesus had said, "I will not leave you nor forsake you". That’s quickly read but hard to believe when you have tested the very limits and conditions of that promise.
During the first months of this moral and social catastrophe of my own making, I pleaded with the Lord for the deep fellowship to be restored that I had enjoyed with Him years before. If only I could find the comfort of the shadow of His wing again. It seemed such a distant shore and my heart was filled with fears that I would probably never reach it again. This filled my waking hours with a sadness and that nothing seemed to blow those dark shadows away...
Suddenly He Spoke … I didn’t like what He said
One day during this long dark valley, I was on our little tractor cutting the grass of our far to big garden, it would take me two hours a day for three days to complete. As I trundled along, the belt of the cutting deck kept springing off and stopping the blades from spinning. It was a profoundly annoying and a complex process to refit it. I had to get down, lie sideways on the wet grass, fully outstretch one arm below the deck, and then by touch & feel, try to reattach the belt back on its wheel. Scrapping the same knuckles raw every time. Of course, if I’d waited till the grass was dry it wouldn’t have occurred so often, but rain was an almost daily occurrence where we lived so that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.
I found this constant belt re-attach routine combined with the inner storm that I was hourly trying to navigate utterly emotionally & mentally exhausting. I sat up against the tractor wheel from where I’d been stretched out. Knuckles bleeding & stinging, and yet again this pathetic shell of a man began to cry like a baby, big sobs from the bottom of my soul wracked my body. I didn't care who heard, I didn't think I could keep it down even if I wanted to.
Right then, at that moment, I heard again the echo of a whisper that had stole into my soul a few days previous. A whisper that I instantly quashed as impossible the moment I’d first heard it, and if I could of, I would have quashed it again sat there on the grass. Those few words, that sentence was now definite and undeniable, it just made me wail all the more.
I was hearing it for the second time. Its timing was succinct. It was a clear road sign on my seeming journey to nowhere. I heard the Lord tell me, and I didn't imagine it, I heard it clear in my heart “Fast 40 day water only, this will begin your sincere restoration with me – The fast is not to win my approval, its to renew your mind”…
My immediate reaction to this was “Oh no”! It seemed impossible, as meals had become an almost solitary comfort of my otherwise mind numbingly boring days. What! - Fast for 6 weeks? Though not unfamiliar with fasting, the longest I'd fasted before with water only was 21 days; it was an awful and grueling daily struggle. To nearly double that period of time seemed a mountain to high to scale. In fear and unbelief, I withdrew even further to the dark inner sanctuary of my broken and forlorn soul. Puir wee me…
It took till the third day of grass cutting, the call to consecrate a fast seemed an immovable concept now embedded in my mind. I couldn’t shake it off. It wasn’t oppressive or menacing, quite the contrary it was like a bright neon road sign that repeatedly blinked on & off “This Way, This Way”.
So, finally, back cutting the grass, my mind awash with the implications of committing to the fast, I drew the tractor to a halt, applied the handbrake, switched the motor off and then alone, a small figure in the far corner of a five acre field, I slipped down, and leaning back against the wheel again, weeping, yes and weeping again, I surrendered to the fasting, fearing that this really may be my last chance ever to be restored to God. The fear of losing Him & heaven for ever was greater than the fear of not eating for six weeks...
Fresh Hope & False Expectations
The next day with a zeal and excitement that I could soon be walking closely with the Lord again, maybe even be vindicate and restored to my Christian friends & family, not sure how exactly since I was the one who messed everything up. But at least maybe this 24/7 agony of failure and rejection could be lifted from off my heart.
To mark my sincerity, I began the fast without food or water and thought I’d continue with that for as long as I could then begin taking water only. Well, that lasted all of two days before in failure I capitulated and asked my wife to include me for dinner. One of the hardest things about fasting if you are not fasting with any degree of regularity is … breaking the sugar addiction. A fast can be much harder than it needs to be for the first few days until the body regulates to coming off sugar. Building up to a fast with days of fasting and a low carbohydrate diet can better prepare the body for long fasts. Says he with the wonder of hindsight.
The following morning, I began again in earnest, three days no food or water then began water only. I also would have faired better had I’d an understanding of the workings of “Self Pity” in those days. It soon became obvious by my mood swings that I knew little to nothing as regards quenching that devil’s fiery darts in the area of this particular demon. Self-pity is not our friend, it’s an enemy that brings no good or help to any situation ever, but can and will readily incapacitate, even paralyse a soul from moving forward with any command the Lord has given. It’s a dark trait totally counter to the way of the cross and self-denial.
6 weeks slowly crawled along as if it were six months. Weakness, pain, boredom, social isolation. It is well said in scripture that fasting is humbling, afflicting, and self-chastising even.
After a few days the bodies’ reserves of glycogen are depleted and then the body begins the natural process of breaking down fats for basic survival. It feels like a slow burn furnace has been lit deep inside and it burns night & day to produce a limited form of energy. This state makes sleeping difficult even though you feel weak and exhausted. Slow drip energy withholds sleep from your eyes during the foreboding hours of darkness when your soul would most appreciate it. Tossing, turning, seeking the little comfort that comatose affords becomes elusive. Lying awake most of the night gives rise to the very persecuting demons you are trying to avoid. Strange how in the shadows and silence of the night these harassing demons seem to wax more eloquent and articulate about the awfulness of your predicament and blame is made worse by the fact that your body has entered a state of constant suffering. Thankfully, daylight hours seemed to negate these onslaughts to a degree.
It was thankfully summer and where I lived at that time in the north east of Scotland it benefited from long light nights and bright early mornings (when it wasn’t raining). So, many a night found me perched with fishing rod in hand down at the end of our local breakwater. I’d spend the entire night there. I’d wait until all the other fishermen left then I would go down and then leave at daybreak before other fishermen arrived.
I loved the isolation. I was also glad of the company of my younger brother who joined me several times and proved a real friend during a very difficult season of my life. It’s interesting who comes to the fore when life takes one of its awful twists. Young David many times proved an absolute pillar of encouragement to me by suggesting we go rag worm collecting for fishing, or walking, during some of my darker hours. The irony is that I was catching some great fish but of course couldn’t savour any of them due to the fast.
As can be expected after a couple of weeks not eating, I developed a food fascination, I wanted to read about food, watch programs about food, I can’t cook but I began making muffins for the family. In fact, I made them so often, perfecting my banana & blackcurrant muffins to the point they would have probably won prizes had they been entered into a competition. I also, once tried my hand at an exotic curry. I somehow got the ingredients back to front and nearly had the family all vomiting over the dinner table.
And so, the fast continued a total of forty-five days excluding the dinner on the second day. Did it prove a breakthrough? Not the way that I hoped it might. During those long nights on the pier I did begin to see that it wasn’t all about me and what I was now suffering was a result of my own bad choices. It was also about how my acts of infidelity, (and I say infidelity because its less painful that adultery or immorality, but that’s the truth of the sad matter). I had also wounded the Fathers heart, had crushed the trust of a faithful congregation and of congregations around the world that had opened their doors and hearts to me. These painful revelations and repentance helped lift me out of a pit of selfishness into a better understanding of the suffering of others.
REPENTENCE INCLUDES ACTION
I began letter writing, long letters to a long list of people that I knew my actions had deeply hurt. At 5am in the mornings once I’d left fishing at the pier I’d go and post through the letterboxes of those that I could and into the mailbox of those that lived further afield. I somehow hoped that it might initiate reconciliation and at least break the ice-cold silence that was between us… It didn’t. One or two wrote back notes of appreciation and encouragements to move forward. One or two wrote to confirm their disappointment in me. But the end result was that there was difference in relationship restoration than before I’d wrote. However, thanks to God that He’d led me in my fasting brokenness to think beyond myself and in sincere humility offer a genuine apology for letting so many people down. It’s a humbling thing to learn that cant judge someone for their reaction to YOUR sin.
The six weeks fast came and went and outwardly nothing seemed to have changed as regards restoration of relationships but I knew that inwardly, I was a more broken, humbler & God-fearing man. I worked hard at being the best husband and dad that I could be.
A Year Later
After a year of living as a virtual recluse, visitors no longer came to our once manic house, no one called, and I called no one. We financially made our way through this we had remortgaged the house and maxxed out our credit cards. But now it was time to man up and go get a job. I got several selling jobs one after the other. I would juggle a couple at the same time where I could. Everywhere I went on sales calls I thanked the Lord for the lead and the wisdom to handle it. He blest me again and again, within three months we were debt free. In one of the positions I was awarded the UK’s top salesman and was asked if I’d give a little talk at the monthly sales meeting to explain how I managed to produce such outstanding figures... I agreed and said I didn’t do it your way, I did it by prayer, the grace of God and desperation, working 12-hour days six days a week. They cancelled my slot to talk at the meeting.
Hope has Tenacity
I enjoyed this new place of a humility and a God dependency that I had never known before. I liked to lie quietly before Him and trust Him in all outcomes. I didn’t hear Him like before, with words of knowledge about this person at that place and at this time and you will say thus & thus saith the Lord. Sadly, that gift seemed to have gone, at least for that time. But there was a stillness in my soul and I liked not having to expend energy promoting my ego or agenda. It surely seemed that ambition & self sufficiency had been laid to rest, crucified in Christ and a more peaceful way had replaced the old nature of having to be seen to be a “somebody” of significance.
That said, there remained a longing deep within to be restored to fellowship somewhere as a sincere lover of Christ. If given the opportunity I would have loved to confirm both my genuine repentance and a sincere real love for God. I daily hoped for someone to call or come visit and say “hey brother, you have been out of fellowship long enough, we welcome you at our church, come along and let us pray for you and welcome you to the body of Christ. That call never came, and on the few occasions I called an old pastor friend to ask if we could attend church, we were told it would be awkward. “Can we sit at the back then”? “Well, it would be difficult” was the essence of the reply...
The long 5 years
Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many. So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him. For … Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices. - 2 Corinthians 2v6-11
By and large the body of Christ lacks understanding in many things that the New Testament states as basic doctrine & protocol. One of them being not knowing when or how to put a transgressor out of fellowship and another, if found truly repentant to be brought back into fellowship.
In the above example at the church in Corinth, the young man referred to had, because of immorality, been out of the church for an estimated two years. Paul considered such a period as sufficient to bring the man back into fellowship so that he was not overcome with rejection, condemnation, & discouragement. Paul went on the cite such as “devices of Satan”.
It is a fine line when putting someone out of the church for a period of repentance and correction becomes an abandonment because no one really knows what to do or worse still maintain a punishment because somewhere along the line judgment has triumphed over mercy, instead of the scriptural precept of mercy rejoicing over judgment. (James 2:13)
In my case I more than qualified for stage one (being put out) Hands up, I accept the blame. I took the step of afflicting banishment & exile upon myself with immediate effect the moment my hidden sins were exposed. I have no resentment regarding that. It is perfectly right that someone who sins and the church becomes aware of such sin, that the sinner take time out to find a place of sincere repentance and restoration with the Lord and all that may have been injured by their sinful actions.
Today, typically, that doesn’t happen. Churches tolerate all manner of sinners and therefore many fellowships no longer experience the affirmation of the Holy Spirits presence because they allow the presence of unresolved sin in the midst of their gatherings. Citing “Gods unconditional love” or eternal grace as the basis for allowing active sinners to remain among them. The bible makes no reference anywhere in all of its 31,500 verses to either “unconditional love” or “forever grace”. The scriptures have to be tortured and twisted well beyond their clear and original meaning to arrive at such theological errors.
Such abandonment of scriptural precedence opens the door for counterfeit demonic manifestations. Satan’s emissaries present themselves as ministering angels of light with all manner of false signs & wonders. If already in blindness through ignorance to correct scriptural protocol, believers become easy prey to further deceptions and a few weird manifestations later they may become completely convinced that scriptural precepts become flexible and anything goes, its all okay… because much of the worldwide church of today is easily deceived as to what actually is The will, word and mind of the Lord.
Long story short, the years rolled by very, very slowly. Bearing in mind that despite my failings, in my heart of hearts, my life, my longing, my future, as far as I could see it, all involved God and the things of God. Sin happened; it wasn’t an agenda it was a despised weakness. But it wasn’t a defining part of who I was it was the outcome of an unhealed wound.
As much as some even to this day remain convinced otherwise, I know that I loved Christ and I fell, I didn’t take a dive, I didn’t want to be down in sin and had no agenda to stay down in sin. My failings had occurred and ended near two years before they were brought to light as mentioned. Not that time lessens the crime, but it can reveal that its not an ongoing agenda or lifestyle. It would have been extremely easy to continue in sin. As a young pastor Satan made sure there were no shortage of opportunities to have multiple affairs ongoing, invitations came from everywhere and often. All glory to God but I quite surprised myself at the amount of temptation I was able to walk away from. I felt pathetic, weak, I’d failed already, numerous times and the voices told me I’d fail always. And yet, there were many occasions when temptation surround me as it did Joseph with Potiphar’s wife, pro-active, forceful, by the worlds standards amazing opportunities would present themselves, I was able by the mercy of God to walk away unscathed. I can’t really explain how everything that happened, happened. I didn’t know then but I sure see and understand more now.
What I do know is that from my heart I called out to the Lord to deliver me from “beautiful entrapment” and He did, again & again. But the question must be asked why did you keep finding yourself in those situations? You must have planned them, or set them up...? I could write a book about affairs, fornication & adultery, that would be an adult best seller. But it would be a different kind of book because I’d write from the point of view of the demonic in the midst of your moral destruction.
Often, when scenarios and entrapment situations would come about Satan would often massively over play his hand in a trap that he had set for me, I could discern it and flee. But just like David wrote three times in Psalms “The enemy hath dug a pit and spread a net”. No one plans to fall into a pit, anyone that has fell into a pit doesn’t expect for their problems to become compounded by also being caught in a net in the bottom of that pit. You don’t intend to fall in … and you don’t know how to get out.
But I praise the Lord for the times I did listen to His loud voice of caution in my soul. “Don’t go there”, Don’t say that, don’t reply to that, don’t form that facial expression or use that body language, Or, turn around and walk away NOW”. Many warnings from situations that seemingly arose out of nowhere on buses, boats, planes, in pastors’ houses, in churches, in people’s homes, just walking down the road. When you are hunted, nowhere is off limits to the devil.
The Cost & Consequence of Spiritual Authority
When Satan knows that the Lord has taught you in things that will break the chains of an enemy stronghold; and with faltering faith you have already put that spiritual knowledge to use, proved it, and seen personal, family & community strongholds crash again and again, then we shouldn’t be too surprised when the enemy ups his game against you because you are dangerous to his nefarious agenda. You become a threat to their dark domain and must at all cost be stopped, through your own shortcomings if possible or through the violence of others if not.
For the most part devils live among families and in communities undisturbed for centuries. They hate been moved on as the legion of devils in the demonic revealed. They did not want to moved out of their place, and pleaded with the Lord to at least let them stay in the nearby pigs. So, when a believer discovers by revelation their authority in Christ, local devils do not like it and will carry out all that is possible to crush you before you crush them.
World Wide Demonic Radar
As I would travel to different or overseas locations, It was made known to me both by revelation and or demonic reaction that demonic assets would be reassigned from whatever their present duty was and seconded to cause me temptation & trouble. My area of weakness at that time was deep-seated insecurity as mentioned. I would go to great lengths and compromises so as not to be seen as the alcoholic’s son from the weird family up the road. Insecurity! In the midst of rapidly increasing and fruitful ministry I always listened to the whispers that I was a fake and believed them more than I believed the word of God that said I was a sinner redeemed, an overcomer & more than a conqueror. That I was the righteousness of God in Christ and I was complete in Him. I had great difficulty resting in those truths at that time.
It’s an ironic paradox that, brokenness (before the Lord) opens the door to, revelation from the Lord). Which brings with it faith and insight of the spiritual realm AND your victory in Christ over that realm. Whilst at the same time, your character, creditability, and belief in who Christ has said you are in Him is attacked unceasingly, relentlessly. Because the demonic knows that most every son of Adam has an “on/off” switch, a tipping point, where sometimes you “feel” that you are who the bible says you and you can think you are Moses at the Red Sea, Daniel in the Lion’s den and then in a moment, in a trauma, it can all change … weather, hormones, negative events all collude and collide at the same time and in that moment you can feel like Joseph in prison or Jonah in the belly of the whale. And it seems easier to believe that you are what the demons are whispering you are rather that what Fathers eternal word has stated about you and your Sonship.
Proverbs 6:26
For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread:
and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.
Here’s a crude real-life example. Just prior to the press turning up outside our home. A true man of God and compassionate friend to whom I had revealed my moral failure to a year or so before it became public knowledge. He knew it had all come to light and had been called and told to have nothing more to do with me. Nevertheless, he called me to offer a job as a marketing director in his newly established Christian TV studio in New Zealand. The position included a house, a car, a good wage, and freedom to do the job the way I felt it should best be done. The only challenge being that in order to raise the capital to move out there we had to sell our existing home in Scotland. Well that took seven years but that’s another story.
Regardless, desperate to escape local shame, I accepted his offer to at least come see the set up and learn what was involved. With my wife’s fragile trust and blessing in the hope that we could soon have a fresh start, geographically at least, off I went to spy out the land.
It was the second day after I’d arrived and my friend, and his wife & I had been invited to a dinner at a couple’s home that lived close to the beach. It was walking distance from where his bible school and TV studio was. They were coming from a different direction and would be at the hosts home before me. I’d learned that there was a shortcut from where I was staying and I could take the beach path to meet up with them at the venue at the appointed time.
As I was about to leave, I asked some of the team to confirm where exactly the shortcut to the beach path was and they explained to how to find it. Basically, it was the usual “turn right, turn left, turn somewhere else” and then you’ll see the narrow short cut lane through some houses which will bring you to the beach.
I was a few yards down this 100m or so long, hedge lined lane when a well-spoken female English accent chirped from somewhere behind the thick hedge on my right “Hi how are you today, Lovely day isn’t it”? I just assumed that visitors must have arrived at that home behind the hedge and that the voice was welcoming them. As I couldn’t be seen, perhaps my footsteps were heard? And I certainly wasn’t known to the person speaking, I didn’t imagine that the voice might be addressing me and continued walking. Typically, westerners do not informally engage strangers unless they are selling something or are a Jehovah witnesses. Particularly if cannot see them to establish age, sex, appearance & demeanour etc.
The voice came again “Oh, aren’t you speaking to me then”? “I’m talking to you there on the path”. At which point, knowing there was no one in front of me, I turned to look, no one behind me either. Then I looked at the hedge in case there was a gap I hadn’t noticed through which I’d been seen … No gap! This was weird, however, I guess polite protocol took over and I gave out a meek sort of “Err, Yes, nice day”. Quickly the voice replied “So, you’re heading to the beach then, wait for me and I’ll go with you”.
I am not unfamiliar with the intervention of the unseen realm manifesting through our physical world as we know it, and I strongly felt that this was such a moment and that I should be fully prepared with armour on to repel a less than subtle enemy attack.
In this event, my mind, body & spirit all began expressing opposing opinions as to what was going on in this highly unusual moment. In my spirit I was experiencing immediate & extreme caution that this was an attempt at seduction to control me as soon as I landed on foreign soil. In my mind I reasoned that surely this unseen, unknown woman must think I’m someone else, you wouldn’t possibly be accosting a total stranger on a narrow hedge lined track and offering to accompany them to the beach, would you? Or maybe it was a God opportunity to share the gospel with a random stranger
In my flesh, as a son of Adam, despite being in NZ for the very purpose of seeking to reconstruct a broken life, I was regardless; flattered that if the face matched the pleasant voice then wasn’t I a fortunate man indeed.
The Lord had taught me years previous to neither consult with or take advice from my flesh on anything. Oh, how I had failed it maintaining that as a value. The flesh, the emotions, the mind … Can all quickly become Satan’s domain. Within minutes of Christ telling Peter that he was blessed because the Father had revealed to him that Jesus was indeed the Christ the Son of God, he then rebuked peter saying “
Matthew 16:23
But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
The things that please Satan usually please our flesh also. We can learn to control our spirit, we can be renewed in the spirit of our mind, but from now till the Lord calls us home or returns to earth our flesh will remain the enemy of God and constantly seek to manifest its own agenda.
Romans 8:7
Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not
subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
Romans 7:19
For the good that I would I do not: but the evil, which I would not, that I do.
I replied to the voice… “Err, perhaps you think I’m someone else”? Back she came with an even friendlier singy voice “Just wait I’ll be right there” ...
Considering my plight back home and the very reason that I was even in NZ to try and flee the shame of my past, made me very nervous standing, waiting for this anonymous rendezvous. My foremost thought was that this was the same Jezebel strategy that had already destroyed me back home.
Within a moment, a tall, slim yet curvy, very attractive woman with long blonde hair came walking and smiling towards me with hand outstretched. She’d be around my age, perhaps a little older. She said Hi and told me her name, which I didn’t take in since I was so struck with the weirdness of what was going on.
“How are you, great to meet you today”? She continued, “So glad I could join you on your beach walk”. I had already opted to be polite but reserved. Reasonably formal and non-engaging. In previous years I had probably had experienced more casual chat heading to potential full on adultery with complete strangers than any person I knew. I understood that for the believer on the battle lines there was no such thing as normal and that every and any opportunity possible devils will seek to exploit any weakness to defeat and control you.
She was quite the conversationalist, she probably did not have much option as I said next to nothing, using limited sounds where possible and few words where I had to. I was frightened not only of her but of me.
She wanted to know where I was from and why I was there? And then came out with the opening gambit as to the real agenda of what was going on here. “Well, things are not good for me at home, the marriage is not working out so I’ve come to NZ to stay with family here for a while and try to decide my next steps”. What about you? I wanted to make clear quickly that I was verily happily married and had come to check out my friend’s job offer.
By know we’d arrived at the long, palm lined beach with beautiful quiet water lapping at the shore. Within minutes of meeting she told me that I was very good looking and that she wished she was married to someone like me. If my armour was tight before it was double tight now. I never replied, so thinking that I hadn’t heard or understand, she moved closer still and said “I’d love to be married to someone like you”.
Though my mind was numbing over with terror and more so if my friend that was trying to get me out of a bind happened to look up the beach and see me with this woman, my explanation would hardly be believable. I wouldn’t even believe me if I heard such a tale.
I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d spent the same amount of time in choosing her existing husband as she was in considering me as hubby 2? Not much wonder her marriage was in trouble. I have seen people take more time over a restaurant menu than she did in making it clear that she was available to me in any which way I wanted if I choose to accept her obvious offer.
It would be understandable to consider that this woman should be sectioned in an asylum for her own protection. On the face of it, she seemed intellectually and academically smart. Was very well spoken, and socially adjusted in one sense but completely out of context with social norms if considering the content and agenda of her current conversation with me.
Soon we reached the house where I was due to visit. I made a timely swerve directly in front of her to communicate that our stroll ends here, I deliberately positioned myself with hands in pockets, clearly out with pecking, hugging and anything else distance. I continued with the same sober countenance that I had when she first came up to me. I said without eye contact, perhaps I’ll see you in the passing. The message, cool demeanor, and temperature of departure all communicated closure, and her own facial expression seemed to reflect that she got that. “Oh well then, ok, see you around. I suppose, you know where I am if you want to come over, and at that she headed back down the beach.
As soon as I saw my friend, I asked if we could talk outside for a moment so that I could tell him what just happened. I didn’t expect him to see the spiritual significance of an international wolf pack potentially still hunting me, but, I did want to clarify for the sake of testimony that anyone from his church that saw us and jumped to the wrong conclusions regarding why I was having a “romantic” stroll down the beach with a beautiful woman who happened not to be my wife. His reply was interesting and, in a way, both comforting and concerning. “Get used to it George, if there is anointing on your life and you are trying to walk clean for Jesus, they will come after you, it happens to me all the time, I just ignore it” …
I'll write the other chapters as time allows, it gets worse before it gets better...
No comments:
Post a Comment